No more power struggles
Children are like sponges,
absorbing all the information around them.
This is always true, whether we are intentionally teaching our children or not.
Every interaction you have with your child is a form of communication, silent or aloud. It's not just about the words you say, the tone of your voice, the look in your eyes (or eye contact at all!), even the way you hold/move your body and interactions between you and others all convey messages to your child.
They’re learning not only how to communicate with you, but also how to communicate with others.
Whenever I teach new educators, I stress how children are always working hard to communicate their needs and exercise some control over their environment.
Because of this, children will always choose whatever method is most effective. Not the method you WANT them to use…Not the method you TELL them to use…And sometimes not even the method that is natural for them.
If crying, grunting, or hitting has been more effective than clear, friendly, verbal communication, guess which one will become hard-wired as the go-to method?
"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."
Due to their life experience, children have a very limited tool set, yet they’re constantly looking to solve the problems they run into.
If children have not been given the tools for navigating situations appropriately, and if their proverbial "hammer" has proven to work across scenarios, why would they look for another tool?
Instead of responding with frustration, or anger, we have success responding to students' inappropriate social solutions/verbalizations with confusion, and a cue for what tool is appropriate.
"Hmm, I'm not sure why you're making that noise. I'd like to help you, but I don't know what you need. Could you please use words?"
With this, we’re responding neutrally and telling them that their method of communication is not the best choice for the scenario, without giving positive or negative attention (more on those two rewards in another post).
Actively rewarding the desired situational communication method increases their likelihood of using it again.
Psychological rewards aren’t always obvious. They can look different than just a "good job", a high five, or a piece of candy.
Active listening and an undivided connection, with eyes full of joy, is like gold to children.
You will see the reaction in their face and possibly whole body - does your child ever nuzzle you or jump up and down when they feel connected, heard, or happy? We see it all the time in our classroom and it fills our hearts with joy!
Rewards that your child appreciates re-structures their brain to release less cortisol (lower stress) during times of frustration or conflict. Win-win!
One of the most common struggles we see with helping with expectations and boundaries, is that adults will let things slide either because they worry that by upholding their boundaries that children will resent, stop loving, or become angry with them OR they become embarrassed by the feeling that other adults are judging their interaction.
However, when we are confident, calm, and consistent leaders - we actually create stronger, deeper and more meaningful connections together; as teachers or parents, we’re showing our children in these moments that they are safe, and we act as the unwavering and anchoring presence that they need us to be.
Now, setting boundaries is going to be hard work at first (but it’s worthwhile!)
Your child will try every tool in their kit, until they recognise that you are offering them new ones for situations that are unfamiliar to them. You are acting intentionally. You are a consistent person, with calm conviction, that upholds expectations and boundaries.
As you hold this responsibility and nurture the relationship, your child will understand what you want, expect, and ask, more than anyone else. They will feel closest to you and trust you the most because of your ability to be the rock in their storms.
This weekend, consider your child's toolset. How many tools do they have? What are they? Is there a type of situation they have better/more tools for than others? Would you like to see certain tools replaced with others? One common technique is the “chain of why’s” which we discuss in this video:
If you are unsure how to get started the right way with boundaries or expectations and would like to know more about them - reach out to us. You deserve to feel confident and supported in your parenting!